I learned about the tension spring when I was invited inside Quaramba’s mind. What a magical experience to actually share an aspect of what the horses are feeling! It allows genuine comprehension. The alignment of our behaviour which comes from having been within who they are. Even just for a few moments, and just a glimpse of the whole. It is no longer a theory, but an experience.
What is my purpose?
I started out sitting on the mounting block and feeling gratitude for this opportunity to listen to the horses. Then feelings of lethargy come, and the possibility of giving up. The question of purpose.. do I have one? this brings a layer of depression. I am going deep inside of these feelings, the darkness of them. I fall asleep for a while, and when I wake up I go to where the horses are in the summer barn. Quaramba came over and we greet each other and connect physically with scratching.
I offered the bridle as an afterthought but she closed her eyes and went into a deep rest. I went and sat on my willow log. I feel a sense of concrete arising within me. Then I went to sit within the herd, feeling them all around in a half circle. I am asking them, what is my purpose? I feel like a seed gently blowing over the land.. not yet settled. Now there comes a beautiful, reassuring realisation that our souls have merged and now the physical path must radiate out from there. It will straighten and shift into place. This is why I feel displaced at this moment. I feel thankful for the comprehension. The herd is supportive, they are always within. My spirits are lifted and I feel protected.
Monday the 8th of June
Being Invited Inside
I went down to the herd and felt a warm greeting from them. There was a sense that I am ready to understand their perspective. I was invited inside of Quaramba, it was the most lucid gift of perspective she has made.
Inside of her I became aware of what I can best describe as a giant tension spring. It is always wound up. I could feel how the horses are always so sensitive to everything, and any pressure will turn the spring tighter. It only seemed to have one direction.. to go tighter.
I wanted to know how to release it but it seemed I was not ready for that yet. I could feel that this revelation was of great significance, and there must be acknowledgement of the spring. It came to me that horses who have been forced to meet the needs of people through desensitising their own voice, in whatever manner, have had their spring broken. This is why they can appear calm in situations where they are without a herd. It is why they are obedient even when they are suffering. The broken spring doesn’t wind up anymore, there has been a fundamental breach in connection.
Tuesday the 9th of June
The Chasm That Wasn’t Between Us
The next day I was at the mounting block again. The herd were there but not entering the arena. I could feel our merging, it was so positive, like liquid bronze. Gradually it shifted into a lake.. it is soft, misty.. the horses are at the edge of this energetic lake, amongst the trees. Gradually the edge is changing into a cliff edge, it falls for miles.
The horses are getting smaller from my perspective, and they can’t go over the edge. They are becoming so small that eventually they disappear into the trees.. asking them to leap off the cliff seems to be a metaphor for our demands on them. In the physical world the herd is disappearing off into the field. In the energetic world there is a chasm between us now, and the horses have gone. Is this my own desire? How do I cross it? It feels impossible.. yet I feel a willingness to try, a faith that the path will open.
I am embracing this when I realise that the horses are already there, behind me.. breathing gently over my shoulder. There was no need to enter the chasm. We are all together. In the external world, the Beloved’s (Marie and Gorrion) stayed close by during this process.
In the energetic world we are all lying down now and resting together.. I feel as one of them, their horse-ness. I remember this Oneness with them from childhood. I go and lie down physically on the concrete platform in the field, and it feels like we will always be One.
Wednesday the 10th of June
What Releases The Tension Spring
I am starting with a feeling of gratitude for this opportunity again. The horses seem determined and purposeful today. I am aware of a desire to control the situation.. and it’s fear-based nature.. is this the same as the wish to ride, to control a horse? I feel ready to examine this in utmost clarity. My consciousness is fully present. When I dive within my wish to ride, in truth my wish to ride in engagement, I can feel that it genuinely comes from love, from inspiration. It is creation.
There is a sudden sense of perpetual movement from the herd, and the illumination that this is what releases the tension of the spring! The spring itself is moving.. it is rolling. As I am grasping the sense of this, the horses are physically approaching. This is what I am understanding: Limits, control and pressure on the horses create tension, and winding up of the tension spring. Opening, space and movement itself allows it to release. I can feel it in a hologram, the sense picture of energetic shape.
The perpetual balancing as the spring tightens within itself and rolls the tension out in the greater interaction with the whole. Now the idea of engagement comes into my mind. The postural engagement of human and horse. I propose it to the horses, the dynamic. Instantly I sense that the engagement dynamic stabilises the spring, holding it still and allowing the greater release in the movement. Wow. It felt so powerful.. an explosion of joy.
Understanding The Release
Now my ever curious mind wishes to know.. how can we get there? where is the bridge? It must be invited. Now I wonder, can we open a space for that energetically. The space that appears feels light and magical..like silk balloons. Focusing on it I begin to feel energetically that this is an attempt to create more space out of an existing space.. how is this possible? it would be like stretching a vacuum.
Then the answer arrives: this is only possible with light.. light itself can open more space in the continuum of consciousness. The horses are now coming into the arena, it is as if they are tumbling in like playful bears. Things become busy, rolling, exploring, investigating the coffee mug, and eventually Aimée is hugging close to me and I feel the layers.. first her personality, like a blossoming rose, then the skin layer of her comfort, and then the physiology layer.. do we go down through the layers?
Standing with her, imagining engaging now, I can feel that the tension spring has stopped, we are supporting it in stillness. Yet how does the greater flow happen.. the release? After Aimée moved on I had a long interaction with Marie. We were simply processing… supporting the integration of every energetic connection we had experienced this week which was culminating in opening the new space with light.
Thursday the 11th of June
The Missing Piece
Looking back at the week now it seems clear that everything was unfolding perfectly, that nothing was missing. Yet somehow the darkness which has been waiting in the shadows of this process took over again. It was probably a symptom of tiredness. The need to pause and allow everything to complete itself. Yet I still felt that there was something more to understand, some missing piece, so I went to sit with Mother Willow.
I shared with her the feeling of low ebb, of not knowing how to go forward in practical terms. I heard her voice quite clearly. Not in words, but in energetic shapes.
She said if you know the goodness of the engagement connection then you have to bring it to the horses. Tell them about it, help them to see.
It seemed so obvious, such a relief. It meant so much to have come from her. To have her approval. She was able to burn away the ego which was pretending to be the authentic self. The self righteous kind which separates through judgment. Proclaiming that this or that practice is wrong, yet it speaks from a place of hatred not love.
